Yes, there’s a new volumizing shampoo called “Blago” that promises to give your hair the extra “oomph” it deserves, all while saving you the trouble of appearing before a federal grand jury.

Sure, it’s normally $8.00 a bottle, but this Sunday you could score some free merchandise: Bottles of Blago Shampoo will be given away to all audience members at this Sunday’s 7pm performance of Second City’s “Rod Blagojevich Superstar,” at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater.

See you there?

I’m also a huge fan of all things free.

However, it is a rare day that I get to combine those two passions, so when the opportunity arises I jump on it like Lindsay Lohan on a lesbian.

I found the site Manybooks.net and I am the happiest monkey alive.

There are 23,492 ebooks on the site, and every last one of them is free.

So for all of you people with iphones, PDAs or ebook readers with nothing to do on your daily commute? You can thank me. (There’s also pdf format for those of us not as technologically gifted).

You won’t find all of your favorite books on here, but you might find something new and exciting. And if you don’t? It’s still free and what else do you have to do?

According to the four million people who have pinged me about this, if you go to Toasty Torpedo you can play a stupid flash game and get a coupon for a free Quiznos Toasty Torpedo sandwich. Although I’m not a fan of the game, or their advertising, free is one of my favorite things.

I’ve still never had Quiznos, mostly because their most recent bout of advertising is scary like that neighbor we all had who was just a little too touchy feely with the neighborhood kids and drove a white van with no windows. And Toasty Torpedo? What pervert came up with that?

But I digress.

Get your free Quiznos, again!

I’ve never been a big fan of desktops that do anything but sit there and have a pretty picture of a cat on them. I never figured out the point, and quite frankly the rest seemed like a big ass waste of time.

Until I found BumpTop.

It’s super easy to use, and now I can have piles of crap on my real desktop AND my computer one.

Besides it being, like, uberly functional, you can have frames of different flickr feeds. Which is bad assery. It’s all the fun of decorating your workspace without being yelled at by your boss.

Give it a whirl, who knows, maybe you’ll be more productive.

Or not.

Either way the free version rocks my face, and is still pretty feature-packed when compared to the $29 “premium” version.

Other side-note: It’s currently only available for Windows users (i.e., “I’m a PC, and I think Mac users should have their own drinking fountain.”)

Image via ctoverdrive

And don’t blow smoke up my ass about how many things you can do for fun that don’t cost a thing. Those generally involve other people or some sort of initiative, and those that don’t usually involve sex, and even that gets boring after a bit.

The good news for Chicagoans is that the Naperville Public Library has got your back.

They’ve got a list of events and free days on their website.

Now you can experience the things that make Chicago..well…Chicago. It’s got the run down for all of the free days at places like the Museum of Science and Industry, the Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum and tons more, as well as a list of stuff that’s free all the time.

Now you can get a little culture without having to spend your money.

And get out of the house a little before you turn into one of those reclusive people who collect cats and newspapers.

I say “almost” because I only apologize when I’m actually sorry, and truth be told that’s not as often as you’d think.

Health care is a huge expense in this country, and a luxury that too many people in this country simply can’t afford.

However, Walgreen’s is doing something to alleviate some of that cost for those of us who are uninsured or recently unemployed, and they deserve to be noticed for it.

From 11:00-3:00, Monday-Friday until the end of 2009, they are offering selected services at their Take Care Health Clinics for free instead of $60 (or more) for those people who are unemployed or uninsured. (Vaccinations and regular checkups aren’t included.)

Obviously this is no substitution for seeing your medical professional, or seeking immediate medical attention for a serious issue. But it’s a good start.

Sacrificing quality health care for you and your family should never be an option. As a health care provider, we see the effects of a struggling economy on the patients and neighborhoods we serve.

That’s why we’ve created the Take Care Recovery Plan to help our current and future patients. It provides access to free health care visits for our patients, and their families, who have lost their jobs and are uninsured.

We hope just knowing you have a place to turn in tough times will help relieve some of the strain of a sudden loss of income. You can’t put a price on peace of mind. The Take Care Recovery Plan promises you won’t have to.

Here’s everything you need to know.

Kudos to Walgreen’s for doing a good thing for a lot of people, however I’m still not apologizing and you can’t make me.

So there.

This is made worse for those people who are addicted to ebay. For them, I have found the perfect solution: Free Napkin.

It’s a site like ebay, but every damn thing on it is free. Instead of throwing away perfectly good (or sometimes slightly damaged) things you don’t use anymore, why not recycle it? This is an entire site devoted to that ideology. One man’s nasty plaid sofa is another man’s new favorite place to sit with his hand in his pants.

Some choice items:

- Arcade Game cabinets (see pic above)
- Cute lap cats
- Something called Monkey Grass
- Free Dirt
- Halo 3 for X-Box: (You must read the parent’s description of why they’re giving it away)…

My son is absolutely obsessed with playing his xbox every free second he has. This past friday I got a call from a teacher that he didn’t turn in a big project and will probably fail, he is in huge trouble. I threatened before but this time is for real, I’m giving away his favorite game Halo 3 to whomever wants to come by and pick it up. I don’t want him to get anything from it so you come by and its yours plain and simple. He will hand it to you personally, I’m not kidding, I want him to see his actions dont help anyone.

♦ ♦ ♦

Now, I’m going to mention that I’ve not used the site. Ever. Because I will wind up filling my apartment with worthless crap. That, and I have this weird phobia of free furniture and such because I am convinced that it will have some sort of deadly mold or insect that will kill me just because I’m too cheap to buy things. That, and have you seen some people? Disgusting.

I digress. The good stuff DOES get taken pretty quickly, but if you need a quick fix that won’t kill your wallet, give it a whirl. Who knows, you might find the perfect thing you never knew you needed. Just don’t blame me if a killer mold comes with it.

The powers that be at this airline are either brilliant marketers, or really genuinely nice people. Maybe even both.

They have created the Promise Program to help put your mind at ease when booking a flight — in the event you suddenly get canned at work and can’t afford it.

Basically, if you book a flight between now and June 1, 2009, and your boss sends you on a permanent vacay, JET BLUE WILL REFUND YOUR TICKET.

(Insert wild, uproarious cheers)

The fine print is not too restrictive, and it seems pretty straight forward. Extra gold star for that.

I wish I could apply the Jet Blue Promise Program to other things. For example:

Bridesmaid Hell
My (very) distant cousin asked me to stand at her wedding. I met her once. But, since she’s family, it’s an obligation. So I get to blow a ton of money on the (hideous) dress, the gift, the inflatable penis, and all that jazz. Would love to say, “Hey, just got the ax at work. I need to be refunded for all the money spent on your happiness. Thanks, and congrats!”

Ex-Boyfriend Gifts
Hey, Ex. How ya doin? Oh, you’ve already started dating someone else? That’s wonderful! You know those concert tickets I spent 2 weeks pay on? Well, I’m jobless now, so can you just send the check for the total amount? Including taxes? Let’s call it the “You Were a Waste of Time Promise.” Thanks for everything!

Stupid Purchases
This one isn’t for me — it’s for all the poor souls who bought Snuggies. If any of these Snuggie owners lose their jobs, I’d like for them to be refunded. It’s not their fault they have Dumb-Ass Disorder.

Jet Blue, you’ve changed my life.

Buy a soda,
get a free Roastburger at Arby’s.

You’ve got until March 14th, and let’s face it, when money is tight, nothing is better than free. Well, kind of free.
Free enough?

Just take it.

Kidding aside, it’s a great offer that you guys should definitely take advantage of.

BTW, the offer is good for 25 copies of your resumé on resumé-stock paper.