- Talking my way out of speeding tickets
- Bomb It
- Creating new and exciting curse words.

Really, I’ve turned it into almost an art form, much to the disappointment of my mother. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she knows I curse like a sailor, one of her best friends at work (Hi Leslie!) actually took to using the phrase “blow it out your ass”. Which I take total credit for.

But the big discussion is always whether or not I talk like that at work, or if I should.

Some people will say that cursing at work is always inappropriate, and it shouldn’t happen no matter what. Those people are generally boring and wouldn’t be reading any of my writing anyway, so screw them.

Now, I’m not advocating letting off a stream of curse words to your boss. That’s generally not a good idea. However, when you’re among coworkers and the shit is hitting the fan, sometimes it helps release a little bit of tension to let loose with a few expletives. The funnier the better.

However, there’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. If you are not Christian Bale, chances are a 7 minute tirade laced with profanity will get you shown the door unless you work in a bar. If you don’t work in a bar, it’s probably not a good idea to refer to any of your co-workers as worthless shitwhistles. Even if they do happen to be worthless shitwhistles.

There are people who get paid way more than I can even imagine to sit around and study crap like how curse words affect productivity. Kudos to those people, as they’ve actually managed to make an entire career out of…well…nothing.

At the end of the day, if your coworkers swear, chances are you can get by with proclaiming “Oh Jesus Tap Dancing Christ” or “Fuck me backwards on a bicycle”. However, if the people you work with are referred to as “Father” or still have an allotted nap time after recess? You’re better off keeping it to yourself, unless you want to be the Christian Bale of your office.

Dumbass.

One of the biggest frustrations with job hunting is the online job sites. Don’t get me wrong, I worked for one of the biggest in the world for awhile, and they definitely have their place.

However, I am a way bigger fan of anything new and exciting, and a much bigger fan of anything that makes it so I don’t have to click through 302 sales jobs in order to find a job worth applying for. (Not that I’m knocking sales, I’m just piss poor at it and sales jobs are kind of like the cockroaches of the internet).

Then I found Itz Big. A job site that actually tries to match you to jobs that you are best suited for, much like a dating site tries to match you with people who won’t kill you in your sleep and hack you into little pieces.

How effective it is, I can’t tell you (yet). But I like the idea. I like it a hell of a lot better than searching through hundreds of job listings offering me a new and exciting career selling insurance.

And what’s the worst that could happen?

Yes, I’m a crazy bitch.

Honestly, most of us could give a rat’s ass what your biggest weakness is. Chances are if you’re stupid enough to tell us the truth, you won’t be getting the job. We don’t care that you have a propensity towards white powders, hookers, or reruns of Roseanne. We care about your ability to bullshit.

Generally, the stock answer is “I work too hard” or “I’m a perfectionist”.

Boring.

Totally. Boring.

We’ve heard those a million times, and they are never even remotely true. Newsflash: playing solitaire online is not working, and if you were a perfectionist you would’ve caught the typo in your resume.

So what is the answer?

One that usually works is “I have high expectations for my work and I sometimes project that on to others”. It’s better than that perfectionism crap.

Another is “I sometimes get attached to projects”. They don’t need to know that what this really means is that last time you worked on something for 8 months and your boss ruined it you threatened to set his desk on fire and then locked yourself in the bathroom and cried.

The rest, we’ve pretty much heard.

Is it still bullshit? Totally. Then again, so is the entire interview.

Just keep in mind, no one cares about what your biggest weakness really is. Save that for your shrink.

But before you light your cubicle on fire while screaming about how your boss can see you in hell, consider some alternatives. (To the pay raise, not lighting your cube on fire. Although you shouldn’t do that either. But if you do, please feel free to tape it for those of us here at TTB.)

You can always try to ask for more vacation time. It doesn’t pay the way to Vegas, but it does give you more free time. The only thing better than getting a raise might possibly be making the same amount for going in less.

The same idea goes for telecommuting. It’s well established that telecommuting is German for “wake up at noon and drink beer until you throw up while still getting paid”. This doesn’t put any more money in your bank account, but it helps retain what’s there. It’s a few days less a week of buying gas, coffee, lunch, and various pharmaceutical drugs which directly impacts your wallet.

The following might seem against everything I stand for (which is more money for less work), but bear with me: You might want to ask your boss to foot the bill for either tuition or extra training in your area of expertise. Now don’t get me wrong, extra effort sucks, however, if you’re savvy enough to do your homework and choose a training class that is in Las Vegas the same week that there’s a slutty supermodel convention, that’s just a convenient coincidence.

I did see one site suggesting that you ask for more responsibility, kind of a promotion without extra pay. The idea being that you are setting the groundwork to get paid more later.

You can give that a shot, but l consider it a slippery slope. Much like having sex, the minute you start doing it for free, you’ve shot to shit your chances of ever getting paid for it in the future with that particular person. But either way, you’re still getting screwed.

If your boss says no to more money, there are always other options as long as you think outside the box. If they say no to all of your suggestions? I’ve got a lighter you can borrow.

There are a million different guides on how to keep your job. However, the simplest way is to be ahead of the curve. How? You cheat.

The information you need to make yourself the company rockstar isn’t just laying around, you’re going to have to search for it.

First, find the weakest link. Everyone at work talks to someone, even your boss. Find the one he talks to that’s most likely to spill whatever you want to know after a margarita. Take them out a few times, and then ask seemingly harmless questions. Chances are they’ll spill what it is you want to know.

The filing cabinet is also a good source of information that’s locked away. But if you’re reading this, I’m going to assume that you don’t have the keys to said filing cabinet.

Find something skinny and pointy, and something skinny and shaped like a long “L”. Put the L thing into the lock and turn it just a smidge the way the lock turns when it’s unlocking. Use the pointy skinny thing to push the pins inside the lock up, and turn. It takes a little trial and error and a delicate touch, but it’s that simple.

Don’t forget to lock the cabinet when you’re done looking at what you’re looking for. Remember, look and put back. Do not copy, do not take, and for the love of god do not write down.

Stay away from anyone’s computer but yours. You will have a hard time explaining why someone was logging into your bosses computer when he was off with a hooker in Vegas. But, any written messages, post its, faxes, etc. left on their desk can be a good source of information.

The hardest part is pretending that you’ve not seen any of what you have. Remember, you didn’t come up with a solution to the way your cubicle mate is extorting money from the company. You, of your own volition, found a problem with our accounting system, and found an ingenious way to fix it.

The easiest way to keep your job is to make yourself invaluable. Although some of what I laid out above might be of…questionable…legality, they work. Just don’t sue me when you get caught.

You’d think by now that most people would be smart enough not to write anything about their employer on any social networking site anywhere for any reason.

Until Twitter came along.

140 characters. Instant gratification.

A fun way to ruin your life in 30 seconds or less.

The story of the day? The Cisco Fatty fiasco.

Long story very short: Guy gets job at Cisco. Guy posts the following on Twitter: “Cisco just offered me a job! Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work.”

Cisco, being a company that might know a thing about computers (but could use some help in the punctuation department), finds said Tweet, and posts the following: “Who is the hiring manager. I’m sure they would love to know that you will hate the work. We here at Cisco are versed in the web.”

The employee immediately sets his profile to private, but not before someone creates the website CiscoFatty.com to immortalize his shame for the entire internet to enjoy.

I get it. People in glass houses, stones, etc. I am one of the few fortunate people who have seemed to escape the “what you do on the internet can come back to haunt you” phenomena of our generation. And it’s not for lack of trying. I do not doubt that someday I will go to an interview, and someone will pull out every blog post I’ve ever made, and demand explanations for all of it. And I’ll be screwed, because really, you can only chalk so much up to alcohol.

But regardless, a friendly reminder from the loving staff at Tame The Bear: If you can’t behave yourself, set your profiles to private. Don’t mention your company by name unless you are singing their praises, and even then make sure the rest of your posts wouldn’t make them regret hiring you. (Quick Tip: Chances are if you have to think about this for more than a second, you shouldn’t post it).

Otherwise, you deserve what you get.

Don’t poop where you eat. Or sleep where you poop. Or poop where you want to eat or sleep, especially if you want to eat or sleep with someone you work with.

If you ignore that, at least don’t marry that person.

There are a few reasons I suggest never marrying a coworker. For starters, the minute you say “I do”, you have lost leverage for a sexual harassment suit you can file against the company when things go bad. Yep. You kissed your payday goodbye when you let your heart get involved in this entire mess.

Then there’s the fact that you’re stuck with that person literally all day. You think that smacking noise he makes when he chews is cute? You won’t. That little giggle she makes when someone uses a big word? Suddenly a lot less charming. The things you used to find adorable will now make you homicidal, because the only time you have away from this person now is when you go to the bathroom. And because you married them, when someone beats your spouse to death in the copy room with a toner cartridge, you’re going to be the first suspect.

Finally, here’s the kicker. If you work with your spouse, and you get laid off? Chances are your spouse just did too. The only thing that sucks worse than being laid off is realizing that the other person in your family that brings in income did too.

Everyone always says to diversify your portfolio. That way, if something goes belly up, you’re not completely screwed. I propose the same thing with spouses. Get one in every industry. That way, if Marco the Pool Boy loses his gig, you don’t have to worry because you have Thad the Stockbroker (fine bad example), Steve the Engineer, Michael the Successful Actor, and a few others.

Maybe the Mormons are on to something after all.

Don’t take it personally. The day you decided to enter into upper management, you forfeited your right to be tolerable. So what is it exactly that has turned you into such a chode?

Let me tell you.

You’re probably a jerk if:

1. You refuse to make mistakes.

Yes, no one likes making mistakes. It sucks. Nothing is worse than having the rest of the company see how incompetent you really are. That being said, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Even you. If you haven’t made a single mistake since you were promoted, but your people have been slipping up left and right, chances are they are not the problem.

2. You have no idea what’s going on with your former colleagues.

This means one of two things. Either you don’t talk to them anymore, leaving you out of the loop with their professional and personal lives now that you are the boss, or they have stopped talking to you about personal things.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t subscribe to the whole lets hold hands and sing kumbayah school of management. But if someone in your department got married, died, won the lottery, etc. it wouldn’t kill you to notice. Unless someone is pregnant. Do not ever ask a woman when she is due. The only time it is safe to assume a woman is pregnant is when she’s in the process of giving birth.

3. Everyone seems to be working when you’re around.

Obviously, they should be working, they’re at work. But most people screw around at least a few minutes a day. It helps people decompress, focus, and relax a little bit between tasks. If you see windows clicking closed the minute you leave your office, you’re either being too much of a hard ass or your employees look at way too much porn.

Promotions are always fun, they usually mean more money. Just don’t forget that the people you now boss around every day were in the same spot you were yesterday: Overworked, underpaid, and wondering if it would be worth it to key the bosses car.

Just sayin.

Then it occurred to me.

Unless there is some major shift in what this country’s values, there is no way in hell anyone is going to pay me to do what I love. Somehow, I don’t think I’m ever going to find a job that entails sleeping until noon, working for 2 hours, and then going out to party. Since I will never get paid for doing what I love, I decided to talk to one of my friends.

She’s got this amazing job, in her field, doing what she’s always loved doing.

And she’s miserable.

Turns out, when you do what you love, you don’t want to do it anywhere but work. Ever. Again. The quickest way to suck the joy out of anything in life is to sign on the dotted line and let someone pay you for it.

I’m not saying be miserable at work. That’s how people wind up on the news with headlines involving a high-powered rifle and a water tower. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop whoring out what we love in exchange for a paycheck.

Something about doing what it is you love to do, at the direction of someone else, kills the fun. Worse is when you have to do it their way. It is no longer what you thought you loved, instead it becomes the bastard child of your favorite hobby.

I say find a job you don’t hate, and leave what you love as your own. If by some miracle the two seem to combine, that’s great. But for the love of God, stop forcing it.

And stop telling everyone to do what they love.

If everyone in the country did what they loved, most of us would sit at home naked eating fried foods and watching daytime television.

Usually, this is a positive step in life, and a great start to meeting your goal of middle management.

However, you still need to approach the topic with a great deal of consideration.

Remember, although you are leaving for a job that seemingly sucks less, your coworkers are all stuck at their current jobs. They should share your happiness with you, and will likely remain a valid resource for you in the future if you can somehow resist the overwhelming urge to jump up on your desk and scream about how you are done working with every moron in this company.

When cleaning out your desk, try to be respectful and give your coworkers things of yours you know they’ve always wanted. For example, if you know Bill in accounting has always liked your girlfriend, now would be a good time to offer her up to him. If she protests, accuse her of not being supportive of your career change and claim you aren’t sure if you want to be in such an oppressive relationship.

If your coworkers somehow don’t hate you and throw you a going away party, be sure to be gracious. They are not moving up the corporate ladder and have pooled together to give you an office party, be sure to be appreciative. But for the love of all that is holy, do not eat any of the food they offer. They all secretly resent you and want to poison your food with Ex Lax, simply because you are strong enough and smart enough to escape from the hell in which they find themselves stuck.

Finally, be sure to give all of your colleagues your contact information. Be sure to tell them why, that they can call you any time because you are now important, but don’t want to forget the little people. Be sure to remind them that you could be their boss someday. They will appreciate and remember your generosity.

Moving to a new job is always difficult, but you can make it easier depending on how you deal with things. Remember to be kind to the people you are leaving behind. If not, they might be flipping you off behind your back.