Poor, corrupt Gov. Blagojevich. He can’t seem to catch a break.

If you haven’t heard, and whether or not you care, Blago got DE-NIED.

He hoped to be granted permission to go to paradise, aka Costa Rica to be part of the NBC reality show, “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here.”

The judge basically said “Helllll no.” (Note: He didn’t really say that. That was my inferred sub-text.)

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, he was going to rank in the dough– a whopping $123,000.

But don’t feel bad for good old Vichy. He still has a fabulous head of hair.

Perhaps he can grow it out, Michael Bolton style, and sell that for cash.

But, he’s supposedly already received an advance of $21,000 for a book deal, slated to hit the shelves in October.

If you were looking forward to his appearance, fear not– there will still be plenty of a-hole “celebrities” to watch get naked, make-out, freak out, fight, and get drunk– including Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, Sanjaya (former 15-min tween heart-throb contestant on American Idol), Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman, Janice Dickinson, and world’s greatest mustache grower, Geraldo Rivera.

Here’s an idea for a reality show: How about we take a bunch of NICE people with FAMILIES who lost their jobs, send THEM on a vacation to paradise, and give THEM a ton of money.

Ahhh who am I kidding?! We drama-hungry Americans don’t want to see boring regular down-and-out people having a good time! WE WANT FILTH! WE WANT SCANDAL! WE WANT TO LAUGH AT RUN-DOWN CELEBRITIES MAKING COMPLETE ASSES OF THEMSELVES BECAUSE IT MAKES US FEEL BETTER ABOUT OUR SHITTY LIVES!

I’m sure Blago would have provided great fodder for all the talk shows. Oh well. Maybe he’ll get a shot at guest-starring on one of the million Law & Orders. (Anyone else super-excited for Law & Order: Foul Odor Task Force?)

No word if he’s planning on selling his place on the reality show.

Move to Texas and all your problems will be solved. (Added Bonus: You can walk around in ass-less chaps.)

Forbes recently came out with a new report about where jobs are prominent, and growth is eminent.

Texas dominated the top 5 cities — in descending order: Dallas; Fort Worth; San Antonio; Houston; Austin.

Well, that’s great news, ya’ll. So jump in your RV and head on down to the Lone-Star state.

As for me, I will not be moving to Texas any time soon, for the following reasons:

- I refuse to wear a cowboy hat. In fact, I loathe them. Almost as much as I loathe mullets. The only person who ever looked good sporting a Stetson was John Wayne.

- I have no desire to attend rodeos, unless Borat will be making an appearance. Watching grown men being thrashed around on some angry-ass bull is NOT my idea of fun. But then again, I also am not a fan of cock-fighting.

- Hearing the plural of you as “ya’ll” dropped an average of 50 times in 2 sentences gives me hives. (Although, to be fair, I get equally as aggravated when my very-Italian-uncle says “youse.”)

- Do not, will not, can not ever like country music.

- I suck at Texas Hold ‘Em. And I don’t know when to fold ‘em.

(NOTE: I’ve just been informed that Texans love their guns. A lot. So, please accept my apologies for any offense the previous stereotypes may have caused. It’s all just for fun, anyways. If it’ll make you feel better, you can leave your opinions of us Yanks in the comments…)

Ok, nothing gets people to come together like a group song.

So come on, ya’ll! Sing with me!

The stars at night
Are big n’ bright
(clap clap clap clap!)
Deep in the hearrrrt, of Texas….

If you’ve read any of my articles around here, you’ll probably notice a theme.

No, not that I’m a bitch. The other theme.

That I unapologetically revel in the misfortune of others, simply because life sucks all over and sometimes it’s nice to share that misery with others, whether or not they know it.

But at least I didn’t make a reality show out of it.

Once again, the good folks over at FOX have made me feel better about myself simply by being worse than I could dream of being.

They have made a reality show out of being laid off. Not even just a reality show, an Apprentice style show where the contestants in small businesses get to see how much their coworkers make and then decide who gets laid off and who doesn’t.

Part of me is just shocked by the brilliance of this idea. I mean, that right there is some good TV.

The other part of me is disgusted at the network for blatantly exploiting people in a delicate situation and turning them against each other on national television. Their jobs are already in danger, and somehow I don’t see publicizing their salary and turning everything into a popularity contest as a way of helping matters.

On the other hand, it is one way to get rid of the office asshole who always steals your Diet Coke out of the fridge.

Not that I’d consider doing something like that.

Me neither. However, there is now a map on MSNBC.com where you can see where the recession has hit hardest. You can even break it down by month.

Depressing tidbit of the day: There are only 4 states according to this map that aren’t totally screwed.

If there is too much clicking involved, you can even hit play and watch our economy crumble starting in 1994. It’s even broken down by major metro areas. Is this depressing?

Yep.

But it’s the same idea that got me through Jr. High. That idea being that it always makes you feel better to see people who have it worse than you so you can point and laugh.

But now we can see where it starts and who to blame.

Connecticut, we’re coming for you.

When should Alzheimer’s patients stop driving?
I’m no doctor, but my guess is WHEN THEY GET DIAGNOSED WITH FUCKING ALZHEIMER’S!

Winners at Annual Academy of Country Music Awards
Lemme guess. Truck driver, Redneck, and Toby Keith took top honors.

BBC apologizes over jokes about jockey’s teeth
Those who live in glass houses…

Thief nabbed with 68 tubes of toothpaste
Well we know he wasn’t a jockey.

Woman divorces husband for cleaning too much
She probably got a suck buddy. Move over, hubby.

Our voice is cracking, we’re growing hair in unusual places, and we’re getting erections at the most inopportune moments.

But at least some acne is clearing up!

We’re growing more and more every day, and that means adjusting this gosh darn site to meet those demands.

Which is why we’ll be unveiling a giant redesign over the next week or so, as well as enhancing our community features, and adding a slate of new columns and original video series that reinforce our message of “recession recess” (and the subliminal message to convert to Scientology, of course.)

There’s a lot in the works that’ll just have to be a surprise, but thanks for staying tuned and making us your home for crass innuendo and zany childishness, all in the name of our damn economy.

But competing with an anatomically correct android? MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.

(Cue music! Duh duh duh duh-duh, duh duh duh duh-duh….)

According to the Atlana Journal Constitution, the rise of the machines is just around the corner.

In Japan, a female robot or “cybernetic human” was created to sache her metal hips down the catwalk. But apparently this robot is not runway approved yet. She may have a computer glitch and bitch-slap the human models.

(A female human vs. robot supermodel catfight? Nerds and jocks would finally unite!)

But who really cares if models lose their jobs? Sorry, but it’s about time they experienced a little hardship like the rest of us common fugly foke.

What’s scary is the jobs they propose these robots will fill in the very near future.

Are you the overly-animated guy who works at an amusement park? You’re gone. Do you teach aerobics and excercise? Bye-bye.

They have even tested robots as receptionists. Now bosses everywhere will have to look elsewhere for their part-time lovers. (Love that song!)

Scarier yet: someday soon when you go to visit grandpa in the nursing home, you might just see C3PO pushing his wheelchair down the hall. Because according to government official Yoshihiro Kaga, high demands are being made for emotionless caregivers for the old folks and the sick.

Although, how awesome would that make the otherwise painful visits to the nursing home? Listening to grandpa tell stories about how he was in the war with C3PO would make my day.

But other than that, I think these robots need to back the f*ck off and go back to where they came from…which, I’m assuming, is some teenage point-dexter’s wet dream.

Case-in-point: This ABC News story about a businessman who went from making $750,000 a year to being totally broke and delivering pizzas, all as a result of a failed attempt at starting a hedge fund.

I mean, come on! They’re using food stamps! Their house is in foreclosure! They had to give up their country club membership! It’s a crying shame.

One interesting thing I’d like to point out is the wife isn’t working. (At least it wasn’t reported.) How is that possible? Hell, if they’re in that much financial debt, and if you were her down-and-out husband who’s been supporting her all these years, wouldn’t you tell her to get her ass to the strip-club or something?

On the plus side, someone should tell him to apply to be the spokesman for Brawny. I bet that pays more than $7.29 an hour.

Throw on a plaid shirt and give him an ax, and he looks just like the guy. He could work the kids’ party circuit. Get stay-at-home-moms everywhere all hot ‘n bothered.

I bet he’d make a killing.

Do you know a person who is the living definition of a Monday morning quarterback? The one who knew exactly what was going to happen in the big game, only after it already happened.

The backseat driver who knew exactly the fastest way to get to your destination, after you’ve arrived at your destination?

Or perhaps, someone who gets elected to Congress, doesn’t actually read the bills that he/she passes, and in the process of spending trillions of taxpayer dollars, grandstands for a “next election soundbite” when it turns out they should’ve read the fine print?

If you find these people entertaining, you’re in luck. We have 400+ of them yet voting on bills they haven’t read, that then become the laws that affect our daily lives.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner are being grilled in front of Congress today over the recent AIG bonus debacle.

This, after 15 of the top 20 AIG bonuses have already been returned.

I will not be watching since, to use a line I’ve used before, I find this grandstanding to be like masturbating with a cheese grater.

Slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Mr. President, we love you, we adore you, we want to have your babies.

But PLEASE, we’re begging you, get it the f*ck together.

You’re now getting heat from your buddies at the New York Times, your Treasury Secretary is huffing glue somewhere, and we normal folks are starting to get pretty damn restless about all that money we paid to bail out Wall Street.

We know it’s, like, a really hard freaking job being President, and that it took years to get us into the crisis and just as much time to get us out of it. But you need to sit down everyone in the Oval Office and tell them to shape up, pronto.

Ultimately, the responsibility is yours, but we just love you and this country too much to see it start running out of steam this early in your epic presidency.

Love,

Tame The Bear