The best part about shopping online is that it seems like every retailer has some sort of promotion for free shipping, $5 on your birthday, or a free stripper gram for joining. The problem is, sometimes these are hard to find, and it’s a really big pain when you realize you could’ve knocked $50 off of your order too late.

That is why I’m obsessed with Retail Me Not.

They have every coupon code you can think of, and even lets you see how reliable the codes are. That way you don’t wind up getting your hopes up like that one time you thought you were getting a bike for Christmas and instead got socks.

I’ve had someone tell me that they don’t think its fair to use coupon codes this way, but to that person I say: pft. Times are tough, and only the strong get 20% off of their entire order and free overnight shipping.

Now, if you’re looking for any kind of last-minute tax-day tips, well, you’re out of luck. You got people for all that, and tax tips aren’t really all that entertaining to read.

But for what it’s worth, here are some ways to make today less sucky:

- Know that by grumbling about having to pay taxes, you’re really saying that our Black president wants to steal your money. And that’s racist, you racist racist. Next you’ll be telling me that Obama is really good at basketball… Shame on you.

-Blogger TaxGirl has a huge list of tax day specials and freebies, including deals at Cinnabon and free tax-form copies at Staples.

- Summon your significant other and make savage love to them. You’ll find that the day gets quite a bit better. (Note: for my fellow single folks, you know what to do.)

- Know that by paying your taxes you are helping to stimulate the economy and get us out of this hell hole. Also, be comforted in the possibility of extending your deadline by filing for an extension. Lastly, find solace in the fact that EVERYONE finds doing taxes the single most confusing task on this planet, so you’re not alone.

- Finally, attend a hilariously misguided Republican-led Tax Day Tea Party protest, and talk about how you don’t want to pass the financial burden off to your young children, Lu Bai and Tran Nguyen, whom you’ve recently adopted with your gay partner and, soon, spouse (fingers crossed). Sure, you’re supporting their cause, but the look on their face should be priceless.

There’ve been reports that opponents of these protests will try to infiltrate their ranks. So, if you are planning on crashing one of these Republican-led rallies, double check that you’re White. Otherwise, you’ll pretty much do yourself in. Unless, of course, you’re British, Pakistani or Indian, in which case you’re biologically wired to be in the immediate vicinity of tea.

Regardless, I’ll try to cover one such party today, with hopefully a video to show for it, but not with any bad intentions. After all, as much as these protests seem dumb, they deserve the arena to do it, just as anti-Bush folks did before. So kidding aside, if you guys plan on attending, at least hear them out. There are some good points being made, even if done so in such a flamboyant, diva-esque, and FABULOUS manner.

To me its one of the finer things in life, like getting a free extra shot of espresso with your latte, or finding out that Vin Diesel has a thing for brunette writers with big asses (call me!).

However, I’ve heard really good things about Smarty Pig. And as an added bonus, the pig is significantly less creepy than that Feed the Pig guy, who quite honestly looks like he’d stab you in the neck given the chance.

Not only is it less creepy, it’s a nice way to save some cash, FDIC insured, and helps you save up for something specific. Looking to save cash for a wedding, TV, vacation, or bail? Let them help. They also let you make your account public so that others can help you reach your goal.

All we wanted was a way to save money for a dream vacation — a dedicated savings account that we would tap into right before we were leaving town…. Surely there was a financial services company out there that specialized in saving up for something specific? A vacation? An anniversary gift? A flat-screen TV? Holiday gifts?

So we set out to create an innovative, on-line resource that would help us, and others, save for specific items and events. A safe and secure site where savings accounts are goal oriented.

It’s one way to get a long over due vacation.

And in this economy, saving is a good thing.

Scientific American has come out with a ringing endorsement of Tame the Bear.

TTB will help you thrive in this recession and supply you with an endless stream of sexual partners. Sort of.

Actually Scientific American reports on several studies which indicate laughter helps us overcome pain, anxiety and even mild depression, ha HA!

Men who make women laugh are rated as being more attractive, though men did not seem to care about women being funny one way or the other. Somehow, that makes sense to me though, knowing how many men I have frightened off with my “humorous remarks”. Ha HA! Ah hem. Can we move on?

Cheerfulness in general usually indicates a person is more receptive to humor and has an emotionally resilient mind. The person has learned to use humor to stave off emotional, and to some extent, real physical pain. My research indicates cheerfulness can, for a very small number of people, indicate the person is too dumb to know better, no doubt a blessing too.

SA calls humor an “intellectual skill” and I have to agree. All of the funny people I know seem pretty smart to me too, on some level anyway. Except of course for those who are not in on their own jokes.

“Humor strengthens the psyche,” says psychologist Richard Ruch. And at the core of things, that’s what you need the most in times like these. And we at Tame the Bear give it away free to you, five days a week.

Don’t you feel better already?

There are days where I barely use it at all, and other times when it’s constantly attached to my ear because I’m a gossip monger and I occasionally wind up intoxicated calling everyone I’ve ever dated.

The amount I pay seems to vary too, and it makes me wonder if I’m getting over charged. And honestly, I’m way too lazy to look and find out.

And why look when I’ve found a website that will look for me and make suggestions on how I can change my current set up to save me money for only $5?

The Validas website proudly boasts:

“Do you understand your bill?
Are you on the wrong plan?
Are you sure your bill is right?

Cell Phone Numbers Audited: 24,518
Total Savings: $4,532,191.20
Avg. yearly savings for bills with 1-5 phones: $453.64
Avg. yearly savings for bills with 6-400 phones: $10,669.44

In about 60 seconds, Validas can show you how to save an average of 22% per year on your wireless service!”

In 60 seconds, they can do for $5 what would take me forever to do, mostly because of laziness and procrastination. And any place that makes it easier for me to have drunken phone sex with an ex boyfriend is OK by me.

(Note: If you’re talking to yourself more than others, you might already be there.)

Solution: Rally your friends to stay in together.

May sound lame-o, but so far, I’ve had a blast doing it.

A few of my best gals and I recently turned “Girls Night” into “Dinner Night.” Once a week we trade off hosting a group-effort home cooked meal. (I usually just sit back and drink wine while my friends do the work, because contrary to the Italian stereotype, I cannot cook. Seriously, I burn Mac n’ Cheese.)

It’s obviously much cheaper than going out, plus you get the benefits of wearing sweats and being in charge of the music.

Our creations have been delicious, and I swear — the buzz you get off a really good $8 bottle of wine just feels better than when paying $25 in a restaurant.

And you can be as loud as you want! That’s a MAJOR plus. Especially around 11:30 when there’s 5 empty wine bottles on the table.

Dinner not your style? How ’bout these?:

Game Night

Never underestimate the power of Would You Rather…?. Scategories is equally as entertainging. Remember Jenga? Entertainment for minutes! And Twister will never let you down. Just be prepared for the possibility of a spontaneous orgy.

(Note: I do not recommend playing Monopoly. Seeing all that play money exchanging hands will be a reminder about how you don’t have any.)

Renting a Movie

It’s not just for date night anymore! The pause button makes bathroom trips a breeze, and you can get a butt-load of treats for the price of one box of Goobers in the theatre.

Added bonus: If people are talking during the movie, you have complete freedom to bitch-slap them.

Host a Party

Re-live the college days (minus the big exam the next day). BYOB tends to work out nicely. And you don’t have to worry about getting roofied.

Plus: Just think of the great new pics you can add to your Facebook page!

♦ ♦ ♦

So, whether you already reside in Lonerville or you’re worried it’s your next pit stop, get creative and find new ways to maintain your popularity without dishing out the dough.

You will thank yourself for it.

But after working in close proximity with a skimper, I’d like to advise that there are some things you CANNOT live without.

The skimper I worked with the other day smelled like the chubby kid in 5th grade gym class.

Deoderant. Definitely something NOT to skimp out on.

While I’m at it, here are a few other things you should continue to buy for yourself:
(I don’t care if you have to get money by walking around wearing a sandwich board. BUY THESE!)

Toothpaste/Mouthwash/Tic-Tacs
Do you really think your interviewer will want to hire a new employee who smells like he eats hot garbage? Likewise, don’t you think chronic bad breath is a valid reason for getting fired?

Ok, maybe not, but it doesn’t help your chances.

Oh, and I guess it deserves a mention that if you do not brush your teeth, you will have to pay lots of money later for fillings, drillings, or crowns. Painful to your mouth and your wallet.

Soap
If you are jobless, I understand how hard it is to remember to get up and shower at some point. I’ve been guilty of it too. But try.

And to those of you who think like my brother, “washing” your hands or body only with water does NOT get you “just as clean.”

Toilet Paper
Especially true for guys. And especially if you have a girlfriend. Skid marks are sooooooooooooo unattractive.

Here’s a test: If you wad up half a roll and it’s still translucent, splurge on the better stuff. Please.

Tissues
Crusty sleeves. Need I say more?

Plus, constant sniffeling leads people to believe that your frequent bathroom trips are not because of your tiny bladder syndrome.

Condoms
Because Gonorrhea is no fun.

Still not convinced? Ok. Scariest word ever: Octo-mom.

♦ ♦ ♦

You may skimp on the fancy clothes. Cut down on the bar nights. But for the love of humanity and the people you see everyday, please do not cut corners on hygiene.

This makes a lot of trash, as everything from computers to socks ends up in a landfill after they get even a little roughed up.

Well, the Dutch group Platform 21 put together the Repair Manifesto to address this very predicament: “Don’t end it, mend it!”

Part of their idea is to buy things you know you will be able to repair. Which reminds me of how easy it was to work on that 1965 Ford pickup I used to drive when I was in high school. Sure the lack of power steering gave me arms like Wolverine but under the hood was this playschool-like engine with big exposed parts that made sense.

It also reminds me that the starter is going out on my Volkswagen, a repair I’ve tackled many times over the years on many different cars, believe it or not. I know! I’m a chick and everything.

As far as the repair manifesto, I completely agree with each of its visionary tenets. On a much more practical level, you can save loads of cash by fixing things, though Platform21 decries this motivation. Besides saving money, you can impress (or intimidate the hell out of) your lover with your mad repair skeelz.

In the last year I have fixed my dish washer, a lamp, hot glue gun, light switch and a lowly hairbrush, all by just taking them apart and looking for anything that’s obviously jacked up.

(Note: electrical tape comes in many shades that blend with today’s fashion colors! Also note: disconnect anything you take apart from all power sources before you do anything. Even if you’re just having a peek. I’m serious.)

If you’re new to repairing, it’s probably a little intimidating to tear things apart. But remember this: if you’re throwing it away anyway, it won’t hurt to take it apart, will it?

My busted humidifier was a mystery beyond my comprehension, so I kicked it over to the boyfriend, who has actual real job experience with fixing stuff. Mmm a fixer. Sexy. He took it apart again, and to my gratification, couldn’t fix it either.

The lesson? We have limits, space and time being two of the most cruel. It wasn’t obvious what was wrong to either of us, so that was enough to send the humidifier to the big dump in the sky.

And that leads me to my heroes of the week: The Cult of Done. They have their own manifesto too.  Number one on the list? “There are three states of being. Not knowing, action and completion.” Sweet.

So perhaps my manifesto would be more a hybrid of the two- along the lines of “give fixing things a shot, you never know”. And if you can’t fix it, you can always make an artwork out of the parts, or enjoy sweet revenge by lighting it on fire in your backyard. Either way, it will be done.

As an unknown author has penned, there are specific ways to navigate the path that leads to the club. Some cost money, like wearing cologne and subscribing to Vice Magazine.

But others on this thoughtful list are quite cost effective.

In fact, I bet you could learn how to speak European for practically nothing. As Dexter will tell you, growing facial hair indeed ups your cool quality. though for some this may seem an impossible dream there are ways around it.

Yep, the dude that wrote the list has it covered. 360s? On the list, loser.

What other cheap ways are there to be cool? Rock Collecting? That’s free. Keeping pet spiders or any type of pet bug combines the coolness of a pet with the free (and disposable) quality of insects.

Hang out at the library — that one’s completely free and has the benefit of introducing more quality cool people to your growing cadre of cool friends. Some, especially in the cold of winter and the heat of summer, will be well equipped with beards, and may even carry their bug collections right on their persons, especially if your town library is located near a bus depot.

Yep, coolness is right under your nose. You just have to reach out and claim it.

So let’s begin: How do you ask your parents for money? and alternatively, How much are you asking for?

I’ll kick things off:

I’m not going to lie. My folks are one of several investors in this little operation called Tame The Bear, along with a guy named Tony “The Shovel” Santini, who’s actually a lot gentler than his name would suggest.

But I remember after college, it would be a long, sustained effort that would span a month or two, much like a “long con” (mom, if you’re reading this, sorry, but it’s true.)

I’d focus on something that’s bugging both of them, which at the time happened to be a nagging leak in the house roof. Of course, they never really got around to permanently fixing it, so I’d take it upon myself to find a good roofer, get the estimate approved by my dad, and have him finish the work in a single afternoon. (Correction, a “shingle” afternoon.)

With this nagging problem off their back, I was in a strong position to make the next move: The ask.

I’d show my dad credit card statements of how/where I’m spending my money, and if there are more beneficial things I could be spending it on (such as a Rosetta Stone “Learn Portuguese” pack… I’m coming for you, my Brazilian bride!)

Yeah, it’s sucking up, but the more subtle and natural, the less likely I’d get a flat-out “No.”

Imagine these people are investors that you want money from. You have to pack a convincing case to get what you want, and not just “Hey ma, give me $200. For what? Uh… Did you lose weight?”

Share your own wisdom in the comments!