Yes, there’s a new volumizing shampoo called “Blago” that promises to give your hair the extra “oomph” it deserves, all while saving you the trouble of appearing before a federal grand jury.

Sure, it’s normally $8.00 a bottle, but this Sunday you could score some free merchandise: Bottles of Blago Shampoo will be given away to all audience members at this Sunday’s 7pm performance of Second City’s “Rod Blagojevich Superstar,” at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater.

See you there?

This week: Saving money on coffee goes a long, long way.

Perhaps, too far.

Special Thanks To: Drew, Ruth, Zoe, Stephanie and Nigel.

Even though these situations tend to suck, most of us can relax a little bit knowing that regardless of our situation, we are still somewhat protected from things like wild animals and nature, because as humans we have done our best to either shoot the animals or lock them away in cages.

So one can only imagine that these animals are not thrilled with us. Which is fine, because they can’t get to us, and that works for me.

So what do you do when the economy sucks so bad that even the animals are getting evicted?

New York City’s Bronx Zoo, the largest metropolitan wildlife preserve in the United States, is being hit hard by the economy. To prevent a $15 million budget shortfall, zoo officials are closing four exhibits and evicting all their occupants, estimated to number in the hundreds of animals.

Zoo officials admitted in a New York City Cultural Affairs Committee meeting today that they are forced to relocate the suddenly homeless deer, bats, foxes, antelopes and other animals to zoos around the country.

Yes. Our economy is so bad that we can no longer afford to use and abuse everything on earth like it’s our god given right.

And then I got to thinking. Quite a few of the people who caused this colossal shit storm reside in New York. No one is using their offices anymore, and most of them are currently looking for new employment.

I say relocate the animals into the offices no longer being used, with the executives that got us into this mess. Stick a few cameras in that bad boy and let all of America watch.

It takes care of dealing with the animals, the people that caused this mess, and the fact that there’s absolutely nothing worth watching on TV.

Thus, behold: Monsterpox.

I’d like to take a moment to thank The Recession.

Thank you, Recession, for forcing movie theaters to cut costs so that I can still have a little enjoyment between pulling my hair out every time I look at my bank account. (Because pretty soon I’m gonna need a weave.)

I give you, the Five Buck Club.

This is so awesome, we need a new word for awesome.

The Gist:
You sign up.
It’s 100% free. No fee at any time.
You get a little card in the mail.
Next time you want to go see a movie when it’s in theaters without waiting for the DVD release a year later, you tote your handy-dandy card and hold it up to the teller and yell, “SHA-ZAM!” and get into the movie for only $5.

(Note: You do not have to say shazam. But I sure as hell will.)

While this card is only good at Kerasotes Theaters, there’s a lot of them. And before you sign up you can check which theaters in your area participate.

The only slight catch is you have to wait until the movie is out a few weeks. But who cares? Opening weeks are too crowded anyway. Watching movies in the front row sucks ass. I’m done doing that forever.

And, the website will even send you email updates of what movies you can see that week for just 5 bucks. Like the sexy personal assistant you never had.

You know what this means: more money for stale nachos and over-priced Sour Patch Kids!

Hello bigger wallet wad, goodbye skinny jeans.

Harmony in the world is finally restored.

Service was great, food was even better. Overall, it was a party in my tummy. With helium tanks and all.

That is, until, I was walking out the door only to be bombarded with merchandise.

Shirts.
Hoodies.
Key chains.
Bookbags.
Condoms. (Oops, I was thinking of the bathroom at the bowling alley. My bad.)

It must be noted that this was NOT a touristy place like Rainforest Cafe. It was a regular old diner.

I can kinda get why those tourist traps are all about grabbing fanny-pack wearin’ people’s money. They deserve it.

But a diner? For non-camera toting locals? Really?

I’ve started noticing this at more restaurants. It makes no sense to me. Just because I love your eggs benedict does NOT mean I want to be a human billboard.

And the T-shirts weren’t even cute! And at $25 a pop, I’d rather go in 2 more times and stuff my face to the point of gluttony instead of trying to squeeze in a too-short too-tight baby tee.

Can you imagine if it was the other way around? Like if Victoria’s Secret offered Clam Chowder?

On second thought, it might help guys deal better with the shopping nightmare: “Here ya go, dude. Enjoy this delicious burger while you stare at falsely-proportioned mannequins wearing thongs and push-up bras that make your girlfriend look like Kirstie Alley.”

Bottom line, eating out and buying clothes under the same roof DON’T MIX.

And if these places want to advertise, they should do it the old fashioned way: By getting a homeless person to walk around in a sandwich board passing out flyers announcing their specials.

Now THAT is the kind of marketing that makes me wanna eat.

Now a few Chicago residents are taking it a little further: Two retired doctors have decided to do their part to take care of some of the 135,000 people who couldn’t afford health care in four nearby zipcodes.

To qualify for care, people have to establish they’re uninsured, meet income guidelines (under 250 percent of the federal poverty level, or $27,000 for a single person) and have symptoms or a previously diagnosed existing medical condition such as diabetes. (The clinic doesn’t perform routine physicals or take care of pregnant women.)

Each patient gets a comprehensive assessment and evaluation before being connected with a physician. Medical visits are by appointment only. For mental health or substance abuse issues, people are referred to community resources.

It’s a volunteer operation, funded entirely by private donations and staffed by 10 physicians, 10 nurses, 16 people who contribute clerical services and a part-time paid nurse manager. If a patient needs specialty care, [the doctors] turn to rheumatologists, orthopedic surgeons, endocrinologists, dermatologists, cardiologists, podiatrists and gynecologists who have agreed to donate services.

I hate to get all mushy, but as someone who has spent a hell of a lot in her life on ER trips, prescriptions, and doctors, knowing that someone is helping to alleviate the “what the hell are we going to do” factor gives me a warm fuzzy. They also provide services for people who need mental health help, which can be incredibly pricey for people in tough economic situations, and contrary to some popular belief is not optional.

So, way to go Chicago dudes.

Here’s a link to their website if you’re curious.

Scientists have found that watching television eases feelings of loneliness, rejection, and not-belonging. Which is great, because like so many fellow recessionistas out there, I’m lonely, rejected, and don’t belong within 1000 feet of schools and playgrounds. And I watch a crap-ton of TV.

The research showed that “a viewer’s fictional bond with TV characters can help ease their need to connect with others,” but that this bond is a “poor substitution for ‘real’ human-to-human experience.”

All that fine print aside, I strongly agree that TV has been a huge part of coping with the recession, particularly TV shows that channel what we’re all feeling right now. So I thought I’d give a brief rundown of the shows I’m watching and why they resonate so well especially during this crisis.

By the way, most of these shows (except for ABC shows and “Seinfeld”) are available to watch for free at Hulu.com

The Office
No-brainer, but The Office never fails in skewering the relatable banalities of the American workplace, where “Is my job at risk?” and “What’s out there beyond this job?” are almost regular themes. Belongingness Rating: 10

Colbert Report
Another economic staple, because Stephen Colbert digests all the crap that’s going on in our economy and government and regurgitates it up for us, the viewers, to enjoy.

Kings
Too bad this show got bumped to the summer, but Kings is about a fictional America that’s governed by a monarchy, and the ensuing complications that occur between the powers-that-be and their increasingly oppressed royal subjects. Sure, there’s a moat-full of Bible references in the show, but you can’t help but compare the struggle between monopolistic powers and citizens to what’s happening on Wall Street. At least that’s what I like to think.

COPS
Who doesn’t feel better about themselves after watching a naked crystal meth addict being chased through back alleys and then taken down hard by Jacksonville, FL police officers, who then find a baggie of heroin tucked underneath his scrotum? That’s a stimulus plan right there.

Chuck
For new watchers, Chuck might seem a little difficult to follow (see also, “LOST”), but this is seriously one of the best shows on television.

Basically, it’s about a Best Buy-like employee who inadvertently gets CIA secrets stored in his head, so he balances a life of being a computer technician, a not-cut-out-for-it spy who’s always being hunted by a rogue CIA faction, and a seemingly potential-less guy living with his physician sister (who thinks he’ll always be a tech guy, and doesn’t know about the spy stuff). It’s a tall order, but the story and action and nerdiness of it all makes it critical relief from a day full of bad economic news.

Other notables, in no particular order:
- Seinfeld
- 30 Rock
- Arrested Development
- Better Off Ted
- LOST

What shows or movies are getting YOU through this freakout? Let us know in the comments!

- Talking my way out of speeding tickets
- Bomb It
- Creating new and exciting curse words.

Really, I’ve turned it into almost an art form, much to the disappointment of my mother. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she knows I curse like a sailor, one of her best friends at work (Hi Leslie!) actually took to using the phrase “blow it out your ass”. Which I take total credit for.

But the big discussion is always whether or not I talk like that at work, or if I should.

Some people will say that cursing at work is always inappropriate, and it shouldn’t happen no matter what. Those people are generally boring and wouldn’t be reading any of my writing anyway, so screw them.

Now, I’m not advocating letting off a stream of curse words to your boss. That’s generally not a good idea. However, when you’re among coworkers and the shit is hitting the fan, sometimes it helps release a little bit of tension to let loose with a few expletives. The funnier the better.

However, there’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. If you are not Christian Bale, chances are a 7 minute tirade laced with profanity will get you shown the door unless you work in a bar. If you don’t work in a bar, it’s probably not a good idea to refer to any of your co-workers as worthless shitwhistles. Even if they do happen to be worthless shitwhistles.

There are people who get paid way more than I can even imagine to sit around and study crap like how curse words affect productivity. Kudos to those people, as they’ve actually managed to make an entire career out of…well…nothing.

At the end of the day, if your coworkers swear, chances are you can get by with proclaiming “Oh Jesus Tap Dancing Christ” or “Fuck me backwards on a bicycle”. However, if the people you work with are referred to as “Father” or still have an allotted nap time after recess? You’re better off keeping it to yourself, unless you want to be the Christian Bale of your office.

Dumbass.

Sometimes it’s a little hard to keep perspective on things when life seems to be kicking your ass all over the place. I mean we all know that people are worse off than we are, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that, especially when you’re having a bad day.

Probably the worst is the guy at the office who seems to have a sixth sense about your bad day, and comes over to your desk to play “Whose Life Sucks The Worst”. Misery loves company, not competition, and there’s nothing more irritating than someone negating what a shitty day you’ve had.

But, I’m going to do that right now.

I have found the one person, on the planet, who has definitely had a worse day than you. I don’t even have to hear about your day to tell you that she wins, hands down.

This is the story of a pregnant woman who was chased by a bear, and then struck by a car as she fled.

I’ll go ahead and repeat that.

A pregnant woman got hit by a car while running away from a goddamn bear.

And she was fine, save a couple of scratches and bruises.

This woman deserves an award. She is the toughest person alive. Her kid will probably be born with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, an AK-47 and a tattoo of a flaming skull.

I would imagine your economic concerns kind of fall by the wayside when the bear shows up. But when you get hit by the car, there’s no way you give a crap about the state of the economy anymore. And then I got to thinking…that’s what this site is for.

To make us all feel better about the shitty state of things.

This bear has stolen our thunder.

And we need to steal it back.

There is only one way to make this right.

Hassan needs to find a bear suit, and chase people around the streets of Chicago. I know it seems extreme given what happened to the last bear, but sacrifices must be made in order to secure our place in the world.

He might be opposed to this idea, as I’ve not cleared it with him first. However, that is not any of my concern. I’m here because I can see the bigger picture, and what needs to be done.

Plus, it’ll give people one hell of a story to one up that guy at the office with.