Whenever anyone asks me what my biggest piece of advice would be for the workplace, one always comes to mind.

Don’t poop where you eat. Or sleep where you poop. Or poop where you want to eat or sleep, especially if you want to eat or sleep with someone you work with.

If you ignore that, at least don’t marry that person.

There are a few reasons I suggest never marrying a coworker. For starters, the minute you say “I do”, you have lost leverage for a sexual harassment suit you can file against the company when things go bad. Yep. You kissed your payday goodbye when you let your heart get involved in this entire mess.

Then there’s the fact that you’re stuck with that person literally all day. You think that smacking noise he makes when he chews is cute? You won’t. That little giggle she makes when someone uses a big word? Suddenly a lot less charming. The things you used to find adorable will now make you homicidal, because the only time you have away from this person now is when you go to the bathroom. And because you married them, when someone beats your spouse to death in the copy room with a toner cartridge, you’re going to be the first suspect.

Finally, here’s the kicker. If you work with your spouse, and you get laid off? Chances are your spouse just did too. The only thing that sucks worse than being laid off is realizing that the other person in your family that brings in income did too.

Everyone always says to diversify your portfolio. That way, if something goes belly up, you’re not completely screwed. I propose the same thing with spouses. Get one in every industry. That way, if Marco the Pool Boy loses his gig, you don’t have to worry because you have Thad the Stockbroker (fine bad example), Steve the Engineer, Michael the Successful Actor, and a few others.

Maybe the Mormons are on to something after all.

Tags: relationships