There are a million different guides on how to keep your job. However, the simplest way is to be ahead of the curve. How? You cheat.

The information you need to make yourself the company rockstar isn’t just laying around, you’re going to have to search for it.

First, find the weakest link. Everyone at work talks to someone, even your boss. Find the one he talks to that’s most likely to spill whatever you want to know after a margarita. Take them out a few times, and then ask seemingly harmless questions. Chances are they’ll spill what it is you want to know.

The filing cabinet is also a good source of information that’s locked away. But if you’re reading this, I’m going to assume that you don’t have the keys to said filing cabinet.

Find something skinny and pointy, and something skinny and shaped like a long “L”. Put the L thing into the lock and turn it just a smidge the way the lock turns when it’s unlocking. Use the pointy skinny thing to push the pins inside the lock up, and turn. It takes a little trial and error and a delicate touch, but it’s that simple.

Don’t forget to lock the cabinet when you’re done looking at what you’re looking for. Remember, look and put back. Do not copy, do not take, and for the love of god do not write down.

Stay away from anyone’s computer but yours. You will have a hard time explaining why someone was logging into your bosses computer when he was off with a hooker in Vegas. But, any written messages, post its, faxes, etc. left on their desk can be a good source of information.

The hardest part is pretending that you’ve not seen any of what you have. Remember, you didn’t come up with a solution to the way your cubicle mate is extorting money from the company. You, of your own volition, found a problem with our accounting system, and found an ingenious way to fix it.

The easiest way to keep your job is to make yourself invaluable. Although some of what I laid out above might be of…questionable…legality, they work. Just don’t sue me when you get caught.