You’ve seen them before: Those creepy ads featuring a pig-man that encourages you and me to reduce needless spending and to put money away in savings.
But here’s the thing: he/it goes around confronting people until they put stacks of money in his pink pockets. In one ad, he’s walking past a clothing store when he sees a pretty woman about to buy an expensive new dress. The happy-go-lucky pig-man becomes annoyed and storms into the store, demanding money of the woman until she succumbs and puts the sweaty wads of cash into his pockets, like so many before her.
Yes, it’s safe to say the Feed The Pig Man is a pimp.
His street name is “Benji Tricktickler Flava” and his patent pink suit is 100% silk. He drives a pink Cadillac that he refers to casually as the “Shaggin’ Wagon,” which is impressively equipped with passenger-side airbags.
Benji trolls the streets of American cities, keeping an eye on his “investments,” and whenever he gets the chance, doesn’t hesitate to shake them down for his cut. In describing his business, he frequently employs the phrase “Trickle Down Economics,” which always gets a laugh from his pimp brethren, followed by “I get it.”
In fact, all the pig-pimps get together each week at a local Linens & Things and discuss their successes and hardships. After the requisite roll call and a series of trust falls, they all open up about their greatest fears. It turns out, pimp-pig-men are deathly afraid that humans will eat them. The only thing stopping that from occurring at the moment is ongoing legislation that defines pig-men as human, and therefore, any killing of a pig-man would constitute homicide, and eating said pig-man would amount to cannibalism.
“Preposterous!” yells one pig-man-pimp at the meeting, from behind a line of cocaine. (I forgot to mention, pig-men snort constantly because of their unmanageable cocaine habits.)
“But [snort] you have to agree we’re at risk here, Steve,” says Benji, putting some cocaine on his supple pig-teeth and licking it off. He gets up and circles the room, hoof-hands behind his back. “We need to increase our public image. We must get the humans back on our side. Or else, all this…” Benji pauses a moment, and looks at a torn photo of Hilary Duff that he stores in his wallet to keep him grounded. He continues, “Or else all this is for nothing.”
We later find out that Benji is trying to earn enough money to quit pimping and become a legitimate fixture in the glitterati social scene, after which time he becomes one of the world’s largest purchasers of Hilary Duff’s “Stuff by Hilary Duff” clothing line at Target. The two are naturally introduced at a shareholder meeting and he pays off the valet to let all the air out from her car tires. Rather than take a cab, Duff accepts Benji’s kind offer for a ride and dinner that evening at Maggiano’s. Throughout the evening, Hilary is transfixed to his every word, his every snort, his every oink. They talk until the restaurant is completely empty and the owner, Mario Maggiano, gives them a flower bouquet shaped like a heart. Later that evening, the two make passionate love.
Later, as Benji twirls Hilary’s hair, and as she twirls his tail, she asks, “Are you happy?” With a tear running down his cheek, he replies, “I am now.”
In his autobiography, Benji will write that his life’s defining moment was to launch the “Feed The Pig” ad campaign, winning him over with the public and, eventually, with the love of his life. Never would he see the day when humans would kill him for his meat.
Enjoy your weekend!
Tags: bearapy, commercials, feel good, sex
