Bear Tamers! Welcome to Tax Day 2009 (a.k.a. “101 Reasons Why We Love The Government”).

Now, if you’re looking for any kind of last-minute tax-day tips, well, you’re out of luck. You got people for all that, and tax tips aren’t really all that entertaining to read.

But for what it’s worth, here are some ways to make today less sucky:

- Know that by grumbling about having to pay taxes, you’re really saying that our Black president wants to steal your money. And that’s racist, you racist racist. Next you’ll be telling me that Obama is really good at basketball… Shame on you.

-Blogger TaxGirl has a huge list of tax day specials and freebies, including deals at Cinnabon and free tax-form copies at Staples.

- Summon your significant other and make savage love to them. You’ll find that the day gets quite a bit better. (Note: for my fellow single folks, you know what to do.)

- Know that by paying your taxes you are helping to stimulate the economy and get us out of this hell hole. Also, be comforted in the possibility of extending your deadline by filing for an extension. Lastly, find solace in the fact that EVERYONE finds doing taxes the single most confusing task on this planet, so you’re not alone.

- Finally, attend a hilariously misguided Republican-led Tax Day Tea Party protest, and talk about how you don’t want to pass the financial burden off to your young children, Lu Bai and Tran Nguyen, whom you’ve recently adopted with your gay partner and, soon, spouse (fingers crossed). Sure, you’re supporting their cause, but the look on their face should be priceless.

There’ve been reports that opponents of these protests will try to infiltrate their ranks. So, if you are planning on crashing one of these Republican-led rallies, double check that you’re White. Otherwise, you’ll pretty much do yourself in. Unless, of course, you’re British, Pakistani or Indian, in which case you’re biologically wired to be in the immediate vicinity of tea.

Regardless, I’ll try to cover one such party today, with hopefully a video to show for it, but not with any bad intentions. After all, as much as these protests seem dumb, they deserve the arena to do it, just as anti-Bush folks did before. So kidding aside, if you guys plan on attending, at least hear them out. There are some good points being made, even if done so in such a flamboyant, diva-esque, and FABULOUS manner.